The War Is Going 'Swimmingly' and He Scheduled a Phone Call Nobody Agreed To
Swimmingly.
He Went to an Italian Newspaper to Tell Italy's Prime Minister She's Not Brave Enough
Alright. Coffee first. Sit down. I got one for you.
Gas Might Be 'A Little Bit Higher' By the Midterms, He Says Out Loud, On Television
You want to know what a man tells you when he thinks you aren't listening? Watch what he says on Fox Business at seven in the morning.
He Posted a Picture of Himself as Jesus and Then Said It Was a Doctor Costume
Alright, sit down. I got a good one for you today.
Talks Failed, So Now We're Blocking Every Ship in the Strait of Hormuz
When talks fall through at this diner — say a big party doesn't show, say a vendor cancels — what we do is adjust. We make do. We do not announce a complete blockade of the parking lot.
Peace Talks Failed 8,000 Miles Away While He Watched Men Hit Each Other
Now, I want to be fair. A man needs a night out. Even presidents. I understand that. I have worked a double shift on my birthday and then gone to a honky-tonk and I do not regret it one bit.
He Posted a Video of a Woman Being Killed With a Hammer
I am going to set down this coffee pot and I am going to speak plainly, and I would ask that you hear me out before you say anything.
Trump Called His Own People "NUT JOBS" With "Low IQs" and Honestly, Sure
Now I do not agree with Tucker Carlson on a single thing that has ever come out of his mouth. Not one. I have tried. I have sat with it. Nothing.
The Ceasefire He Declared a Triumph Lasted About One Business Day
You know what we call something that goes bad in less than twenty-four hours around here? We call it the Tuesday special. We mark it down, we move it, and we do not put it back on the menu and call it
"A Whole Civilization Will Die Tonight" — Never Mind, Ceasefire
I want you to understand something about deadlines. When you tell somebody the chicken pot pie is done at noon, you don't walk out at 10:50 and say actually, never mind, I'm making sandwiches. That's
Every Bridge. Every Power Plant. By Midnight Tomorrow. Also Gas Is Four Dollars.
He stood up in front of cameras and microphones — cameras and microphones that the whole world was watching — and said, out loud, in public, on the record: "Every bridge in Iran will be decimated by 1
Our Guys Pulled Off a Rescue Inside Iran and He Celebrated By Calling Them 'Crazy Bastards' Again
Now I want you to imagine something with me. You've got a man trapped in a burning building. A team of good people risk life and limb to go in and pull him out. They make it. Everyone's alive. There's
Threatened to Kill a Civilization, Then Agreed to a Ceasefire, All Before Dinner
My cousin Darlene — God love her — once broke up with a man at breakfast and was back together with him by lunch. Same day. Same diner, actually, two tables over from where I was working. I thought th
We Bombed a Bridge Twice — Second Time While the Rescue Workers Were On It
There is a thing called a double-tap strike. I did not know this term before this week and I wish I still didn't.
Fired His AG and Then Gave the Same Iran Speech He Gave Yesterday
Honey, I have a regular who comes in every Tuesday and orders the same thing. Eggs over easy, white toast, sausage patty, coffee black. Every single Tuesday for going on nine years. I respect that man
He Screamed Profanity at Iran and Then Said 'Praise Be to Allah'
Now I have seen some things behind this counter. I have seen a man try to flirt with his own wife's sister at the Christmas table. I have seen a fellow order the diet plate and then eat half his son's
He Signed a 'Legally Foolproof' Voting Order and the Ink Wasn't Dry Before Experts Called It Unconstitutional
Now, I don't have a law degree. I've got a GED and thirty-one years of reading people, and I'll tell you those have served me about equally well.
He Threatened to Blow Up Iran's Power Grid and Then Shrugged at a Russian Ship Breaking His Own Blockade
I have a rule in this diner. You don't make a threat you're not prepared to carry out, and you don't make a promise you can't keep. I've had to enforce both. Usually around closing time.
Sixty-One Thousand Airport Workers Went Forty-Four Days Without Pay and He Noticed When the Lines Got Long
Let me tell you about working without pay.
Nine Million People Showed Up and the White House Called It Therapy
You want to know what eight or nine million people looks like?
He Called It the 'Strait of Trump' and Then Said That Was on Purpose
Honey, I've watched a man drop a full plate of enchiladas on the floor, look right at the customer, and say "that's exactly what I meant to do."
He Traded Ten Days of Not Bombing Iran for Some Oil Tankers and a Robot
Now I've heard some things explained by some men who ought to know better, but I want you to sit with this one for a second.
Six in Ten Americans Say It Was a Mistake. He Says Iran Is 'Afraid' to Make a Deal.
Honey, when six out of ten people tell you something went wrong, that is not a fringe opinion. That's the lunch crowd, the dinner crowd, and most of the breakfast shift all saying the same thing. You
He Declared Victory. Iran Fired More Missiles.
I have seen a man declare victory before. My ex-husband declared victory in about every argument we ever had, right up until he was sleeping on his brother's couch in Odessa. Declaring it and having i
He Said Iran Wanted a Deal. Iran Said That's Fake News.
Sugar, let me tell you about a certain kind of customer. You've seen them. Comes in, sits down, tells everybody at the counter he just closed the biggest deal of his life. Buys a round of coffee. Real
He Posted a War Ultimatum on Truth Social. In All Caps.
Now, I have seen some things written on napkins in this diner that I wished had stayed unwritten. Phone numbers. Apologies that came too late. One man's entire business plan for a shrimp farm. But I h
He Said He Was Glad Robert Mueller Died
My daddy taught me that when somebody dies, you find something decent to say or you keep your mouth shut. That's not a political opinion. That's just how civilized people move through the world.
Called NATO Cowards, Then Said He Was Winding Down, While Sending More Marines
Honey, I need you to hold still a second, because I'm about to describe three things that happened on the same day, and I need you to understand I am not making any of this up.
Three Weeks In, the Pentagon Wants $200 Billion More
Now I've split a lot of checks in my time. Big tables, small tables, that one guy who always "forgets his wallet." I know what two hundred dollars looks like. I know what two hundred thousand looks li
His Own Intel Chief Couldn't Back Up the Reason for the War
Honey, when I make the pie here, I make the pie first and then I tell you what kind it is. That's how it's supposed to work.
He Posted That He Doesn't Need Help. The Embassy Got Hit Anyway.
You ever have one of those mornings where everything goes wrong, and instead of fixing anything, somebody just keeps telling you everything's fine?
He Wants Allies for His War and He's Mad Nobody's Clapping
Sugar, you ever invite yourself to throw a party and then get upset that nobody came?
'We May Hit It a Few More Times Just for Fun'
Now listen. I've heard some things said out loud in this diner that made me set the coffeepot down real slow and take a breath. Man once told me he thought the moon landing was filmed in Odessa. Anoth
He Bombed Iran's Oil Hub and Posted the Video Like It Was a TikTok
Honey, I've served coffee to some proud men in my time. Roughnecks who just brought in a well. Ranchers who finally got rain after two dry summers. Men who earned their strutting rights.